Confuzzling Luffles
by Turn Back Now
Summary: Itachi kidnapes Naruto. Sasuke attempts -Keyword, attempts- to get him back. Does Naruto have a say in this? Hellz to da noez. My my, what could possibly happen next. ',:3 Warning, written on a major sugar high, and lots of fluff too. SasuNaru ItaNaru
1. Kidnapped!

**Hey guys, it's Amethystte! Duh! And this is my first Naruto story, so please be gentle. I'm begging you. My self esteem is close to zero, so if it's terribly awful and it made you want to puke for some reason, at least try to be nice about it please? You might hate the pure stupidity of it. *Sigh* Blame the damn coffee. I got the idea just to write an ItaNaru from this song by the Goo Goo Dolls. I think it's called Iris, and I watched it with an ItaNaru video, and for some reason it made me cry. O.o**

**Disclaimer: I dun own Naruto, and if I did, the accidental SasuNaru kiss would've totally turned into a random in-class half-lemon. Do you see that **_**actually**_** happening in the anime anytime soon? THOUGHT NOT!**

**Warning: Pointless yaoi fluff, SasuNaru, ItaNaru, total Itachi OOC-ness (Seriously, Itachi is like, OOC times a billion in this chapter), and Sasuke being a total fluffing' retard when Itachi appears. I think that covers it all. ^^ Enjoy please? It would make me feel happy.**

One calm, night at around 1:53 AM, a dark haired figure quietly opened a small window and squeezed through it into the shady room, desperately hoping that the owner of said room didn't wake up. Said owner of said room was none other than Naruto Uzumaki.

"Mmmm… ramen…" Naruto mumbled happily in his sleep.

The figure couldn't help but chuckle slightly at that. He kneeled down by the blonde's bed, tenderly placing his hand on the boy's cheek before leaning over and kissing him softly on the lips.

Naruto woke up immediately as soon as he pulled away. "Wh-who's there?" He demanded groggily, reaching out for the lamp on the other side of his bed.

The light switched on, and Naruto's tired face broke into a grin. "Sasuke!" He said happily, pulling the Uchiha into a tight embrace, who gladly returned the hug. "What are you doing here?" Naruto inquired cutely, his head tilted to the side.

Sasuke smiled. "Just wanted to say hi to my favorite little Dobe." He answered.

Naruto playfully punched him in the arm, and Sasuke's reply to that was pinning him on the bed with swarm of kisses along the blonde's neck.

No more than ten minutes later, the phone on the bedside table rang.

"Who the hell is calling at 2:00 in the morning?" Sasuke growled as Naruto picked it up.

"Hello? Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto blinked in surprise. "Who? What? When? Where? WHY?" Naruto started panicking, in turn causing Sasuke to panic as well.

The raven haired boy snatched the phone away from him. "What is it?" He demanded.

"Sasuke? What are you doing at Naruto's house? Or do I not want to know?" Kakashi questioned suggestively. That pervert…

Sasuke blushed. "None of your business, now just tell me what's going on!" He snapped.

"Well… let's just say that a certain… not-friend of yours is here in the village… and is after Naruto… again…" Kakashi said uncertainly.

"Who is it?" Sasuke snarled.

"Uchiha Itachi." He sighed in defeat.

Sasuke's heart almost stopped. "I-Itachi?" He whispered.

Naruto whimpered and wrapped the covers around himself before rolling off the mattress and under the bed.

"I'm on my way." Sasuke said through gritted teeth, hanging up.

Naruto burst out from under the bed. "NOOO!" He cried, clinging onto the Uchiha's foot. "Don't go Sasuke! It's _ITACHI_! You'll get your ass kicked like last time!" He whined dramatically.

Sasuke crossed his arms. "He didn't kick my ass!" There was a pause. "I let him win…"

Roughly five or so minutes later, Naruto and Sasuke were out of the house and headed towards where Kakashi had said Itachi was currently battling several Jonin. The Kyuubi vessel, scared as hell, was wondering what Itachi could possibly want with him this time, and his raven haired boyfriend was fantasizing about the blond at his side. That daydream -or 2-AM-awakedream- unfortunately included a maid outfit and handcuffs as well…

As soon the older Uchiha came into view, Sasuke flew into his usual 'I-hate-Itachi-so-much-I'm-going-to-kill-him' mode and launched himself at Itachi. That damn sneaky-ass weasel just poofed over to where Naruto was and took the protesting boy into his arms.

"That was far easier than I expected." He commented boredly, easily dodging the fast flying kunai thrown by his pissed-beyond-belief younger brother. "Foolish little brother. Now I gotz your boyfriend, and Imma gonna keep him and name him Squishy, and he shall be my Squishy, and Imma gonna luffle him forevers and forevers and you're never gonna get him back." Itachi cuddled the now scarred-for-life blond lovingly, a huge smile on his normally blank face.

"Let go of me!! S-Sasuke! Help! I think your brother is on drugs!" Naruto screamed, more terrified than he had ever been in his life. Itachi just held on to him tighter and laughed like a maniac, disappearing into thin air with Naruto still in his arms.

Sasuke looked at the shocked Jonin behind him. "What were you all doing, just standing there?! He took Naruto!" He loudly reminded them. They scrambled to do something that seemed like they were doing something that could help so that the Uchiha wouldn't murder them all in a fit of rage.

**So did anyone like it? Please be nice. And yes, I'm going to continue it. I'm actually working on it as I post this. And for all you ItaNaru fans, don't worry, that's coming up in the next chapter. I'm sorry this one is so short. Next one has a possibility of being longer, but I'm not sure yet. *Shrugzies* Review please? I asked nicely!**


	2. Some Explaining To Do

**Amethystte: Hey it's Amethystte and this is the second chapter of Confuzzling Luffles, the title of which I made up when I was on a sugar/caffeine hangover! Okay, so last time, Itachi acted like he was on drugs and stoled Naruto. Now Sasuke is all pissy and Naruto now belongs to Itachi.**

**Sasuke: I'm going to murder you, you evil psychopathic child.**

**Amethystte: Shuddup and go cry in your corner you practically-unkillable-in-the-anime-and-hell-bent-on-revenge-against-your-awesome-and-totally-hawt-brother bitch (Try saying **_**that**_** all in one breath, bitches! XD). *Glares until Sasuke passes out* Yeah. I has a bit of a grudge against SasuGay for reasons unknown. Anyway, get on with the story please. I didn't write the whole thing out for you to just read the Author's Notes at the top. It's gonna suck, but can you at least read enough to give me a review? Good or bad, it doesn't matter, to me. Just read the damn thing.**

(With Itachi and Naruto)

Itachi set Naruto, who had passed out from the weirdness of the whole scene, on a black and red couch in the Akatsuki base. Itachi was no longer acting like he was on drugs, and the rest of the Akatsuki members took one look at the blond and shrugged, going back to whatever they were doing. They had given up on getting the Kyuubi's power because they somehow found a goldfish with a much more powerful demon in it with a very long practically unspellable title, so I won't torture you all with the incomprehensible jumble of letters that is its name. **(AN: I couldn't think of one. Get over it.)**

Anyway, back to Itachi and Naruto!

The Uchiha sat on the other end of the couch and waited patiently for the blond to wake up.

Ten minutes passed.

Twenty minutes passed.

Thirty minutes passed.

And hour had finally passed by before Itachi finally sighed, got up, and started shaking the boy's shoulder.

"Mmmm… just five more minutes mommy..." He whined.

Itachi rolled his eyes and leaned close to the kitsune. "Naruto, wake up." He said in a smooth, blank voice. No reply, so he tried again. And again. Finally, after the fifth time that Itachi tried to awaken the blond, Kisame had randomly walked up.

"Dude, you've been in here for an hour. Why don't we just leave him here and get some ramen or something. He'll probably still be asleep by the time we get back."

Naruto's eyes abruptly shot open. "Ramen?" He sat up straight, almost slamming into the Uchiha's face. "I love ramen! Where's the ramen? Have _you_ seen the ramen? What's that Lassie? The ramen is stuck in a well?! Noooo! Oh ramen oh ramen, why hath thee left us? You were so young!!" Suddenly, he burst into tears. Everyone stopped what they were doing and backed out of the room slowly as Itachi awkwardly patted the boy on the back.

"It's… going to be… okay?" He said slowly, one eyebrow raised in alarm. _'What the hell is _wrong_ with this boy?!'_ Itachi thought.

The kitsune sniffed and leaned toward Itachi, resting his head on the older Uchiha's chest. Of course, he was obviously still half-asleep at the very least, so he didn't have the damndest clue what he was doing. The second last remaining Akatsuki member in the room, Kisame, blinked in surprise.

"What the fuck? Why'd you even bring him here Itachi?" He demanded.

Itachi paused, caught off guard. "I don't know…" He replied. "Because I'm bored." The Uchiha shrugged after a short while.

Kisame's eyes went wide and he stifled a laugh.

"NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERV!" He shouted, signaling that it was time for Sushi-man to run away before the raven haired man went all Sharingan on his blue fish-ass. Itachi turned back to the blond snuggling his shirt. _"He looks kinda cute…"_ Itachi thought, then an eye twitched. _"Wait… WHAT?! Itachi Uchiha does _not_ think the word cute! Especially when referring to an annoying, moronic… adorable… totally rapeable… Oh, who am I kidding?"_

The Uchiha lifted Naruto's chin up and kissed him on the lips.

The younger boy's eyes opened immediately and he screamed, making all the other Akatsuki members think that there was a either a little girl in the base, or Sasori found termites in his room again.

"What the hell was that?!?!" He hollered at him.

Itachi gently pushed Naruto back onto the couch, holding his wrists with one hand and using the other to cover his mouth. The blond tried to struggle but realized that Itachi was really, _really_ strong.

"Sh." Itachi shushed the boy softly.

"Whffufuhnghllufohengohhgn?!" Naruto tried to say.

Itachi uncovered his mouth.

"What the fucking hell is going on?!" Naruto repeated, breathless.

"Oh. I stoled you from Sasuke and now you belong to me." He answered casually, not realizing Naruto could probably scream for help now with his hand off of his mouth.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto screamed.

"Holy shit Itachi?! What the fuck was that?!" Hidan came running through the door, followed by Kakuzu, Deidara, Konan, Zetsu, Sasori, and Pein. Kisame was too scared of Itachi's Sharingan at that moment and stayed in his room. Everyone in the room, save the two on the couch in an awkward position, noticed said awkward position and gaped at the very same two in that very same awkward position.

Itachi would have a lot of explaining to do.

**Yeah I totally wrote the ending in like, ten minutes. It's not my fault I'm sick right now. It's about 7:00 and I'm starving but I can't get up and get something. TT~TT My throat hurts to much to yell for my dad and I can't remember his email address so I'm stuck here and Imma gonna die of starvation. So, how was this chapter? I wrote the first half the same day I posted the first chapter, so sorry if the second half is shit.**

**Please review? Good reviews could help cure me! Don't let me die of starvation because I'm too sick to go get some food! PLEASE REVIEW I'M BEGGING YOU! Lol rhyme… See? Sickness induced hysteria.**


	3. AUTHORS NOTE Sorry

Sorry if I got any of you excited thinking I actually updated for once. ^-^"

HAHA! You guys thought I abandoned this baby, didn't you! Well, so did I. The plot bunny that bit me for it kinda died in a corner after being neglected for too long. ^-^" But fear not, I have found an heir to said plot bunny, and thus this fanfic shall continue! If I get any reviews begging me to, that is. I'm still in the process of trying to write it. :D  
Eh heh heh... yeah... eventually... I just need some motivation. Just please don't give me any death threats.

Anyway, sorry for the author's note, I'll have the next chapter up _eventually_. :3


	4. It's not rape if you enjoy it

***pants in exhaustion* I actually finished it, and it has more ItaNaru in it. Be happy. Just be fackin' happy. *glares* **

**Not much else to say up here… Except I had NO IDEA what I was thinking during the naming of this chapter. It probably makes sense somewhere in this, but the rating's not gonna go up for a while. ^-^**

**Please enjoy the yaoi-ness. And if you don't like yaoi-ness, I'm somewhat confused as to why you'd read up to this point. Oh well. Read plz? Thanks.**

* * *

_**previously**_

"_!" Naruto screamed._

"_Holy shit Itachi? What the fuck was that?" Hidan came running through the door, followed by Kakuzu, Deidara, Konan, Zetsu, Sasori, and Pein. Kisame was too scared of Itachi's Sharingan at that moment and stayed in his room. Everyone in the room, save the two on the couch in an awkward position, noticed said awkward position and gaped at the very same two in that very same awkward position._

_Itachi would have a lot of explaining to do._

_**currently**_

"Itachi. What is this?" Pein asked, furious anger in his voice despite the calm tone he used.

The Uchiha was about to answer, but was interrupted by the blond beneath him. "Help me! Please! I'm just an innocent little boy, and this maniac is trying to rape me!" He wailed, tears in his eyes.

"So Itachi really _is_ into little boys? What the hell? You fucking pervert!" Hidan shouted, pointing accusingly at Itachi.

"Like you're one to talk about perverts, Mr. I-Steal-Konan's-Panties." Konan hissed at him. The Jashinist slunk back through the doorway, head hung in shame.

Pein cleared his throat. "Itachi, you have yet to tell us exactly what you brought the Kyuubi boy here for." He looked at him expectantly.

Itachi covered Naruto's mouth as he attempted to repeat his earlier words. "It's nothing really, Leader-sama. Just a simple experiment, to test my little brother, by taking away something he loves. Really. Nothing the rest of the Akatsuki needs to be concerned with or get involved with." He explained.

The Akatsuki leader looked him over suspiciously, but seemed to buy it. "Very well then, carry on, do what you wish. Just don't let your little experiment interfere with your missions or the base in general." He said, elegantly spinning on his heel and walking off. Konan followed him loyally. Zetsu left as well, both the black and white side of his body snickering to themselves. Kakuzu stalked off, appearing not to have noticed anything that had happened in the last five and a half minutes, distracted by the money in his hands that desperately needed to be counted. Sasori rolled his eyes as he disappeared, and Deidara winked at the two on the couch as he followed his partner, shutting and locking the door behind him, much to Itachi's satisfaction. He'd have to thank the bomber for the thoughtfulness later.

Naruto stared disbelievingly as the lock clicked on the door, terror in his eyes. _'No… no… I'm doomed… this is impossible, how did this happen?'_ He mentally screamed.

Itachi looked at his horrified face and a ghost of a smirk graced his smooth features. "You do know that I'm not going to let my brother get you back, correct?"

"Oh fuck." Naruto whispered into Itachi's hand, which was still covering his mouth.

"'Oh fuck' is right, Naru-chan." He murmured huskily into the boy's ear, kissing his neck softly.

The kitsune gasped, face turning a heavy shade of red as Itachi kissed along his jaw line and up to the corner of his lips.

"N-No, please stop, p-please…" He whimpered while the oldest Uchiha's lips hovered merely a millimeter above his own. A dark chuckle was all he got in response as the small distance between them was closed. Itachi wasted no time pushing his tongue past Naruto's lips. The blond boy wanted to bite him, but was too terrified of the consequences. He also had to fight back a moan as Itachi's hand trailed down his chest and under his shirt, running his fingers along his tanned torso. Regaining himself momentarily, he tried to push Itachi away, failing miserably. Minutes later, he was beginning to consider why he was even fighting back in the first place. Kissing Itachi wasn't bad at all, and he realized that he was probably even better than his brother.

He mentally sighed and shrugged. _'No harm done in just kissing back a _bit_, I mean, he _is_ super hot…'_ He thought.

Itachi internally grinned as Naruto stopped pushing against his chest and shyly moved his hands up behind Itachi's head, pressing as much of himself up against the Uchiha as he could and moaning slightly when they briefly parted for air.

Less than a minute later, the phone on the side table next to the couch rang. Itachi growled in irritation and pulled away, picking up the phone and brought it up to his ear. Naruto's eyes widened as he saw Itachi's knuckles turn snow white while small cracks appeared on the phone around his hand.

"Hello Sasuke." He greeted blankly. Naruto blinked twice, refusing to move an inch, hardly daring to breathe. "No, I didn't kill Naruto. He's perfectly safe. But I must say, you have _excellent_ taste in boys, little brother. I had no clue your boyfriend could kiss so well." He winced slightly as an ear piercing screech and a torrent of swear words and death threats came through the phone. "Or maybe _ex_-boyfriend. Naru-chan seems to be enjoying his stay here. Maybe I just won't ever give him back, and he can stay here forever with _me_ instead of you." He held the phone a foot or two away from his ear as another flood of screaming nearly shattered his eardrum. "Well then, see you later Sasu-chan." He said emotionlessly, hanging up (successfully destroying the phone in the process) and turning back to the blond.

Naruto didn't make a sound, staring nervously up at his kidnapper.

"Sasuke says hi." Itachi said, half sarcastically. Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"What is all of this about anyway? Stealing me away from Sasuke and molesting me? Why the hell are you doing this?" He demanded cautiously.

The raven haired man smiled an uncharacteristic, venomously sweet smile, leaning down close. "Because I love you, Naru-chan. And I'm going to keep you here until you love me too. And you can't do a damn thing about it, and neither can my little brother. You're _mine_ now." He whispered into Naruto's ear.

The blonde tensed up, unable to form a single sentence as Itachi once again pressed their lips together. He shut his eyes tightly and tried to think about other things as the Uchiha thoroughly ravaged the boy until the sun came up, seeing as it was in fact three in the morning when Sasuke had called.

**6:30 AM, Konaha**

"NARUTO'S BEEN KIDNAPPED!" Tsunade shouted as Kakashi and a furious Sasuke delivered the news to her that morning.

"By Itachi Uchiha." Kakashi added.

"BY _ITACHI UCHIHA_!" She repeated in a much louder voice than necessary.

Kakashi nodded, wincing and putting a hand up to his ear to make sure it wasn't bleeding by now.

"When the hell did this happen?" She asked a few minutes later after taking a swig of sake and trying to calm down.

Sasuke gritted his teeth. "About two AM this morning." He growled.

Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose. "Who the _fuck_ attacks a village and kidnaps a teenage boy at _two in the morning_?" She muttered.

"That would be Itachi Uchiha, Lady Tsunade." Kakashi piped in helpfully.

A heavy scroll suddenly flew off of her desk all by itself (Tsunade threw it) and hit the silver haired man right in the face.

"That was rather uncalled fo—"

Another scroll flew off the desk all on its own (she threw that one too) and hit him right in the man-parts there, sending him to the floor in a fetal position, holding his crotch and whimpering in pain. Sasuke's eyes widened slightly in fear, suddenly paying more attention to the moody hokage in front of them, refusing to be caught off guard and hit by a magically flying scroll.

"Alright," The woman continued. "Now we need to make a plan on how to get Naruto back." She said, ignoring the injured and nearly crying man on the ground.

* * *

**Sorry if it sucks, and that it's probably not as funny as the last chapters, I was been up all night trying to write another chapter of this, Innuendos, Experiments of a Bored Detective, and Adopted after putting it off for months and not even starting until last night. :D Yeah. Got no sleep at all. Like I said earlier, be happy. Just be **_**fucking happy.**_

**Review please? Thanks. ^-^**


	5. no

Amethystte sighed rather weakly, grimacing at the screen before her.

Yeah.

This was not a thing that was going to happen.

She shook her head, running her fingers through her hair as she thought about her life choices. They weren't really good ones, not that she thought about it.

This story was terrible. Painful. Agonizing. She really, really didn't like it anymore. She was done.

Shame on her past self.

Shame.

Too much weeaboo.

Too.

_Much._

_Fucking._

**_Weeaboo._**

And rape is _never_ okay, kiddos, even as a joke in a dumb cracky fanfiction. The fact that this terribly author had put up a chapter titled "it's not rape if you enjoy it" was horrible. It's not funny and it was terribly distasteful.

She wondered if she should write more ItaNaru at some point. Something _decent, _instead of this piece of crap. Yeah. That was a good idea.

But no. This here, this story right here, that just wasn't happening.

Sorry.


End file.
